New obsession? New idea...

My new obsession, as I'm calling it, is The Scary Mommy confessions. As in ScaryMommy.com by Jill Smokler.
(As I am writing this, my 1yr old is crying to be let out of the play yard, DH is yelling for a towel, and the dog is whining...AGAIN!)
I swear they are all out to get me. Every time I get an ounce of inspiration or feel something "blog worthy" all Hell breaks loose around here.
PLEASE?...5 mins? 2? Anything?
So, back to my post. I am seriously in love with this woman! She has blogged, wrote books and lived everything I have been trying to do and say for over 4 yrs now. When I started my first blog this is almost exactly what I wanted to do. Everything I didn't want to say to people's faces or admit openly but a way to say what I needed to. What I was feeling or how I saw things. My opinions. My stories, experiences.
Then I started thinking...my biggest fault. My own self sabotage. I think about who will read it. Friends, family? Will they know it is about them? I seriously am not trying to intentionally hurt or call out anyone, but if you are in my life, some time or another your experiences will be in my life. How can I write and be completely honest without looking like the big B that " wrote that!"
Well, here it is. I am 34, married and mother of 3. I have had a lot of living, encounters, experiences, etc.
I have laughed, cried, been used, abused, blessed, stressed and so on! I am tired of holding myself back and being afraid of who I will hurt or what others will think.(FYI, it won't be ALL bad. Promise)
Interpret it how you will, this is me.
Jill Smokler is a mom who decided to blog her adventures in motherhood as a SAHM. I know it's been done a zillion times and it seems the same ole things on each blog. Each of us feel like our story is blog worthy and sometimes we just need an outlet. A way to scream over the internet "Hey, it's me! I'm still here!"
For whatever reason we decide to share our stories, it helps.
Jill has brought out the good, bad, and ugly of our everyday lives and uses her website confessional as a way to say what we want with no guilt of being found out. It can all be done anonymously.

Here is my plan(praying it isn't plagiarism)
I am going to do a sort of confession Friday
I haven't came up with an exact name just yet. This is kind of on one of my 5 second whims...
Or exactly what format I want to do this but I need to start somewhere.
Here's mine for today.

1. I recently cut 7 inches off of my hair because I'm too lazy to take care of it. Seriously, I wash it, wad it up in a bun and maybe in 2 days I'll wash it again and repeat.
2. Sometimes my dog goes all day without eating because I wait until the kids get home and make them feed her. (teaching them responsibilities, right?)
3. I let the car insurance lapse on purpose in hopes that DH would take on more responsibilities.

Can I get a redo?

Oh, How I could go on and on...and on...but this cute Little Miss pretty much sums it up for ya!

Chaotic Bliss

Chaotic Bliss

Wake up! Time to go.

Drink too much coffee and run to and fro.

Hold on! It'll go too fast.

Before you know it today will be the past.

There is always tons to do.

Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, and baths too.

Feed the kids, dog and maybe myself today,

I'm on my second pot and hey, what can I say?

Go to work, go to school, go everywhere and the store.

No lunch break today, there's so much more.

Wait, Did I brush my hair? Oh hell, who cares?!?

A husband, three kids, and a dog.

I'm zombie mom walking in the fog.

The day is almost gone and what do I see?

A messy house, bills unpaid, things left undone,

and those little blessings...that still love me.

That's all I have today...Birdie is crying. GTG ;)

Fear of change...

 True story. 

I hate change!

  I'm usually perfectly content with my boring, everyday, routine. I like to be aware, in control and have a grip(or so I like to tell myself) on at least most things going on around me. I know there are several reasons for the way I am. Most of the reasons are due to things I didn't have control over, thus did not like or couldn't deal with the outcome.
I'm learning...slowly. Change is inevitable! It has happened, is happening and yep, it's going to happen again.
Actually, fairly sooner than I would have liked.
There are some major things going on and once again my fears are taking over. I'm praying for strength, wisdom and a peace of heart and mind so that we will get through whatever changes come. I know God has a plan and it is so much better than mine, but I'm only human and I struggle. Today I am moving as forward as I know how and praying I get answers.

I need THIS

  This is the stuff I need!

I need to write. 

I need to be able to make an income.

I need more skills to do that.

I need to make time to focus and time to hone whatever it is I can do to make money. 

I seriously need this to work. 

I need prayers, encouragements and any and all help available! 

I need to find something, anything to make me feel like I CAN do something.

I need to feel like a contributor and not such a taker all the time! 

I need to learn not to let all the negativity make me feel like a failure.

I need to voice my opinions without fear of being labeled or criticized for them. 

I need to stop selling myself short.

I need to be more proactive with my own goals.

I need to find great networking help.

I need to care less about what others may think of me.

I need to be accepting of myself more.

I need to learn more.

I need to stop being so NEEDY!

Overwhelmed and out of it!

This is the stuff...
That makes me feel like a crazy person!
I cannot seems to stay focused on any one task! I have 100 things running through my head, 100 jobs that need done today, a crazy dog that insists on whining to go out every 20 minutes only to stand on the porch and stare at me as if I'm the crazy one, and a 3 month old that has developed a need to be held and/or talked to constantly or she goes into " The Screamer" mode.
I have started the dishes...twice. There are still pans, etc "soaking". I have done 2 loads of laundry, neither have gotten folded or put away. I attempted to separate the girls' gifts with the intention of getting them wrapped. That hasn't happened yet. I'm also in my " find a fix" panic mode and have been googling(apparently not a real word) everything from homeschooling, make money online, to finding foreclosed homes in your area. My brain is seriously going to shut down soon. I am so mentally and physically exhausted! I still have faith that God has some plan for our family, I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing at this point!?!?!? I am so confused on how to not be irresponsible as a parent and an adult while also letting God have all control! Any suggestions? How can I be proactive or plan without feeling like I will just make another huge mistake?
 Where do I stop trying, looking, eventually panicking from lack of answers?
Patience is a virtue?
Apparently one I have lost after being married to Sean for so many years.
I need sleep. I need prayers. I need a plan. I need answers before I lose my mind!

Episode: The Screamer

Birdie has become our "Screamer"! Yes, loud and clear,...ALL night long.
 Let me go back to sum up my opinion of the why.
At 7weeks old she was admitted to Children's hospital and diagnosed with FTT/ Failure to thrive.
Basically, she wasn't gaining weight like they thought she should be and we needed to know why. So after 2 1/2 days in the hospital, 3 formula changes, stopping all nursing and breast milk, 3 doctors,a home nurse, and feeding more frequently we decided she was doing best on the Similac Advanced 22cal. every 2-3 hours around the clock. No skipping or sleeping through feedings. She HAD to gain weight and they wanted it fast.
Over the next 6 weeks I have been told to increase her volume by 1/2 oz each feeding once a week. Her original goal was 16-24oz/day. That meant she started at around 2 1/2-3 oz per feeding. She is now up to 4-4 1/2 oz every 3-4 hours. Here's where things get sketchy for me.
 She is suppose to get a minimum of 20oz/day now. They would like 24 oz average
4 1/2 oz x 6 feeding(every 4hours) = 27 oz And they wanted 8 feedings if possible or every 3 hours?!?! Which would be a total of 36oz!!!!!
So 27oz is 3oz more than what she is suppose to get in 24 hours.
Now from what I understand her stomach is only the size of an egg! So to me, an extra 3oz is a lot!
Which is why, IMO we were up and down...up and down...all night long with her screaming, flexing, flipping, scrunching up into a ball with a severe stomach ache.
Also, the formula has added iron! Which we all know means....no pooping going on!
I am exhausted, frustrated.....
I'm seriously going to overdose on coffee!
Lord, Keep my motor runnin'! This momma is done!
3rd kid and I still have no clue!
Hope your Wednesday is brighter than mine!